PreviousThe Reluctant Skipper
The Reluctant Skipper
By Rich Eckardt
Have you ever wondered what it's like to sail into Tampa Bay, a light breeze in your face, warm, gentle waves lapping at the side of your boat as you sail toward the stunning Gulf of Mexico?
Well, I've wondered too. And I'm still wondering. Because as long as I've owned my boat—Flounder—I've never untied her from the dock.
Hey, I’ve seen Poseidon. Okay, so maybe I'm not piloting a luxury liner, but, no matter the size of the vessel, anything can happen when you leave the dock. So I never do. Besides, the best part of boating for me is just the feeling I get being on a boat.
How can I characterize Flounder? Eclectic—like a mixture of sloop, sport fisherman, and cuddy cabin. Something akin to the fallout of a boating pile-up. But she's all mine.
One of my favorite things to do on Flounder is to think. Mostly I think of myself as a great ship's captain, mesmerizing my listeners with my incredible seafaring tales.
But my friends know better. And they're tired of me pretending to be an old salt. The parrot droppings on their shoes don't please them too much either.
So they dared me to put up or shut up—leave the dock or give up my seafaring fantasy and—heaven forbid—my boat. I accepted the challenge.
With a swagger in my step—due largely to my two-size-too-small denim sailor pants—I boarded my vessel.
As I entered the cozy wheelhouse, I grabbed my captain’s hat from the peg next to a picture of my idol, Alan Hale, Jr. —the Skipper. I settled into the captain’s chair, pondering the task ahead of me.
Then a seagull squawked, breaking my concentration. It landed above the port side window. I love seagulls. They reinforce the incredible salt-water experience. It squawked again, and then left me a gift that ran down the window. Did I mention I hate seagulls?
I was flustered now. I had to concentrate. But how could I when I didn't know what in the world I was doing? So, I did the smart thing—I reached for my copy of Boating for Dummies.
Before I could find the chapter on how to start a boat, my attention was diverted by someone shouting from the dock.
"Howdy sailor!"
Oh no. It was my pal Wally.
"Just happened to be in the area, so I dropped by," Wally shouted. "Mind if I come aboard?"
I wasn't about to let Wally skulk around while I made a fool of myself, deftly plowing my boat into a dock full of luxury yachts. He was not coming aboard, and I was going to tell him so in no uncertain terms.
"Sure! The more the merrier," I said.
"So, captain, what are we thinking about today?" Wally asked as he jumped onto the deck, landing perilously close to my fishing lure collection.
"We're about to cast off."
"Easy now! Why didn't you tell me I'd be taking my life into my hands?"
"Don't give me that," I replied. "The guys sent you to check up on me. So, you know perfectly well what I'm doing."
"You caught me. I agreed to be their spy, but I didn't know it would be so frightening until I saw you up close in that silly hat."
"Don't insult my hat. It's just like the one worn by the Skipper on Gilligan's Island."
"I know. That's what I'm afraid of. You're going to take me on an ill-fated three-hour tour, aren't you?"
"Don't be silly. I've got everything under control," I assured him as I picked up Boating for Dummies again. I handed it to Wally.
"Why don't you make yourself useful, first mate? Read the directions," I insisted.
"Wow, I've got total confidence in you now, captain," Wally said as he snatched the book from my hand.
"Just get in the wheelhouse and read," I insisted.
"Where should I start?" Wally asked as he squeezed next to me.
"Let's start with starting."
"You don't know how to start your own boat?" Wally looked incredulous.
"Of course not. I've never left the dock before. Why would I need to know how to start the boat?"
"I've got an idea," he said. "Why don't I start the boat?"
"Am I sensing a little Mutiny on the Flounder here? I'm the captain—I'll start the boat."
I swung my arms for emphasis, barely avoiding hitting Wally in the chops. On the downswing, I must have struck something important because the engine fired up.
"See. I know exactly what I'm doing," I said.
This was exhilarating. I actually could do this.
"Ship ahoy!" I announced as I reached for the throttle.
"Uh, captain, shouldn't we untie the boat first?" Wally interrupted me annoyingly.
"Of course. I was just testing you. Would you like to do the honors?"
"Not really, but I don't trust you."
With the skill of a seasoned pro, I timed throttle up perfectly with Wally's untying of the boat.
"Hey, stop!" Wally yelled as I dragged him along the dock. The silly guy must have gotten his hand caught in the rope.
I slowed the boat to enable Wally to board. As he scrambled over the side, I throttled up again. I did it! I was sailing!
"Watch out for that sailboat!" Wally screamed. Good grief, what a pest.
I slammed back the throttle, stopping the forward motion of the boat, but not without propelling Wally headfirst onto the deck.
"Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!"
"Calm down, Wally. You're throwing off my concentration."
"Help me! I landed on something sharp."
My fishing lures!
"Is everything okay?" I asked as I ran toward where Wally was lying.
"My foot! It's really hurting."
"But how are my fishing lures?"
"Apparently, they're lodged in my foot. But thanks for your concern. What's so special about these fishing lures anyway? You never fish."
"That's the point. They're valuable because they are—or were—in pristine condition."
We were both disappointed we had to cut our adventure short, but Wally needed some first aid. Thankfully, he recuperated quickly so we could stop by our favorite pizza place to meet up with the guys and announce my success.
"I did it! I left the dock on Flounder."
Everyone was dumbfounded. They wanted to hear the whole story. And I was happy to oblige them.
"Have you ever wondered what it's like to sail into Tampa Bay...?"
Rich Eckardt is the creator of wacky Florida private eye Sonny Lanai, as told in the humorous mystery/romantic comedy, Caught in a Trap. sonnylanai.blogspot.com.
Submitted by: michelle
Hits: 0
Added: Tue Oct 31 2006
